1 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:30,980 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:30,980 --> 00:00:34,080 in the packed programme tonight, we shall have the world's most short 3 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:38,460 knife -throwing act, Samuel Zolder II and his assistant, Zelda XXIX. 4 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,740 But first, the news. 5 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:46,220 Barbara Castle said today that before long, there would be a woman Prime 6 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:47,420 Minister of this country. 7 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,180 Mr Harold Wilson said, I heartily agree. 8 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,480 Mr Wilson was wearing a powder blue dress with matching hats... 9 00:00:56,970 --> 00:01:01,370 The Ministry of Health announced today that due to a phenomenal increase in the 10 00:01:01,370 --> 00:01:05,510 national birth rate, expectant mothers are warned that there is now a 12 -month 11 00:01:05,510 --> 00:01:06,510 waiting list. 12 00:01:10,850 --> 00:01:11,850 Uganda. 13 00:01:12,570 --> 00:01:16,130 General Amin took delivery of an open car today. 14 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:20,570 In case of wet weather, there is a special button. General Amin simply 15 00:01:20,570 --> 00:01:21,710 it, and it stops raining. 16 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,760 But here is an announcement. Police report very heavy traffic over Putney 17 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:34,140 Bridge. It's been so heavy, in fact, that one woman had to abandon her car 18 00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:35,640 continue her driving test on foot. 19 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:45,380 We'd also like to announce that the Gay Lib recruiting vehicle 20 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:48,260 may be touring your area this week. 21 00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,260 It's very easy to recognise. 22 00:01:52,620 --> 00:01:53,940 It's mauve in colour. 23 00:01:54,460 --> 00:01:56,260 And the number plate is RU12. 24 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:08,240 And it may be in reverse gear. 25 00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:18,640 Owing to the shortage of free -range chickens, several government committees 26 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,260 to be set up to discover an alternative way of hatching eggs. 27 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,860 Mr. Edward Heath has already promised to sit on them. 28 00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:32,070 Sport. At the ladies' show jumping today, Miss Annalee Drummond -Hay got 29 00:02:32,070 --> 00:02:35,650 -fourths for a refusal, and Elsie Jones got four pounds for an acceptance. 30 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:44,270 There was trouble in the national poker championships at the Albert Hall. The 31 00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:47,450 hall was packed, but when the poker players heard Raquel Wilson and 32 00:02:47,450 --> 00:02:51,510 Taylor were outside, everyone rushed out. It just shows that two pairs can 33 00:02:51,510 --> 00:02:52,510 a full house. 34 00:02:55,760 --> 00:03:00,920 we've just had news of three important business mergers. Pie Records merged 35 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,360 Apple Records today to make apple pies. 36 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:08,640 Hawker Aviation joined up with Cyril Lord to make flying carpets for the 37 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:14,540 market. And Crispy Bacon Limited merged with Rolls Royce to make sausage rolls 38 00:03:14,540 --> 00:03:15,600 and Royce Crispy. 39 00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:27,560 The sketch that follows features Mr. Ronnie Corbett, who at the National 40 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,440 next month will play the part of a man who's been married for 20 years. 41 00:03:30,820 --> 00:03:32,920 In the next production, he hopes to get a speaking part. 42 00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:38,700 Ah, Mr. 43 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,080 Braithwaite. Come in, sit down, will you, Mr. Braithwaite? 44 00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:45,520 Now then, the Labour Exchange have sent you round here for this job. I'd just 45 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,240 like you to help me by helping me to fill in a little questionnaire, if you 46 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,040 would. It's the sort of thing we do with all job applicants. All right. 47 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,940 Will you take down Mr Braithwaite's replies, please, Claire? Yes, ready. 48 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:59,060 Now, first of all, a full name, George Pip -Pip -Pip Braithwaite. 49 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,840 George Pip -Pip -Pip Braithwaite. 50 00:04:08,020 --> 00:04:09,020 I see. 51 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:13,510 Address? 41, Whizbank Crash Garden, Potted Shrimp, Sussex. 52 00:04:16,350 --> 00:04:17,870 Potted Shrimps, where's that? 53 00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:23,410 It's a suburb of Horsham, just beyond Ponky Doos on the Bedstead Lane. 54 00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:26,790 Ponky where? 55 00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:28,110 Doos. 56 00:04:28,470 --> 00:04:29,850 Ponky Doos. 57 00:04:30,990 --> 00:04:32,570 Age, 40. 58 00:04:32,910 --> 00:04:35,690 Thank you. Inside leg, 26 and a half. 59 00:04:39,340 --> 00:04:41,180 your part? Not at all. I enjoyed it. 60 00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:44,860 Previous experience? 61 00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:46,360 Ah, 31. 62 00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:51,460 No, no, Mr. Humphrey. Wait, please. Details of your previous experience. 63 00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:56,880 Well, for three years I was in the grunt business, polishing tapioca for organ 64 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:02,200 grinders, and I left there because of the parrot stuffers. Then, for a number 65 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,160 years, I went bang for a deaf drummer in the London Symphony Orchestra. 66 00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:09,050 I chewed parsley for Rolls -Royce for a while. 67 00:05:09,450 --> 00:05:12,030 Then I went to the Foreign Office as a bucket balancer. 68 00:05:13,090 --> 00:05:15,390 Finally unscrewed my left leg and fell over. 69 00:05:18,910 --> 00:05:23,330 One final question, Mr. Braithwaite. What would you say would be your main 70 00:05:23,330 --> 00:05:24,330 ambition in life? 71 00:05:24,610 --> 00:05:29,610 Well, I'm going to form a national naked ladies' choir to travel all over the 72 00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:32,790 country, bringing music to millions and pleasure to the deaf. 73 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,180 much for coming. We will be in touch. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good 74 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:46,440 Well? 75 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,900 Well, I have the feeling he didn't really want the job. 76 00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:53,500 Anyway, he's not right. 77 00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,200 Well, I don't know what we're going to do. I mean, you'll have to find someone 78 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:57,059 soon, Claire. 79 00:05:57,060 --> 00:06:00,240 I mean, you're nearly 36. Your mother and I are getting very worried about 80 00:06:24,370 --> 00:06:25,370 Oh, 81 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,090 dear, 82 00:06:31,550 --> 00:06:32,690 what a downpour. 83 00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:42,340 We were lucky to find this place, Jack. I didn't know the whereabouts. Many 84 00:06:42,340 --> 00:06:43,640 cinemas in Soho. 85 00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:45,380 I thought they were all restaurants. 86 00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:47,980 Here. 87 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:49,440 There's a lot of money, though. 88 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,320 75p each. 89 00:06:51,540 --> 00:06:52,880 Why don't we go in the cheap seats? 90 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,540 Those are cheap seats. 91 00:06:55,660 --> 00:07:00,020 Oh, I'm flushed right up my stockings. It's always the same. Whenever I put on 92 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:03,020 new stockings, it pours with rain and I get flushed right up them. 93 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:07,900 What's it called, Jack? 94 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:09,600 I don't know. 95 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:11,580 Foreign, isn't it? 96 00:07:12,010 --> 00:07:13,010 I don't know. 97 00:07:14,170 --> 00:07:15,610 I think it's foreign. 98 00:07:16,390 --> 00:07:17,930 Well, it isn't English, anyhow. 99 00:07:18,850 --> 00:07:20,930 Oh, yes, it's one of them foreign films. 100 00:07:22,090 --> 00:07:28,550 Oh, Mrs Cook across the road has got some bedroom curtains just like those. 101 00:07:32,390 --> 00:07:34,050 Only they're more of a blue. 102 00:07:36,030 --> 00:07:38,450 Oh, I like that eiderdown, don't you, Jack? 103 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,080 Oh, isn't she like Muriel? 104 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,120 Who? Elfie's girl. 105 00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:00,600 No, nothing like her. Oh, I think she is. 106 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,200 A bit bigger, perhaps. 107 00:08:02,780 --> 00:08:04,980 Mind you, Muriel takes the party now. 108 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:09,180 You had an awful job getting the bridesmaid's dress to fit her. Great big 109 00:08:09,180 --> 00:08:10,180 she is. 110 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,660 Oh, that's just Muriel, that is. 111 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,300 She just takes her clothes off and drops them anywhere, all round the bedroom. 112 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,080 No sense of tiredness, girls, these days. 113 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:27,460 You know, if she'd got up ten minutes earlier, she wouldn't have had to rush 114 00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:28,460 about like that. 115 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,360 Jack, 116 00:08:33,940 --> 00:08:38,620 that's one of the soap racks I was telling you about. 117 00:08:40,260 --> 00:08:41,659 They've got the Matarises. 118 00:08:42,539 --> 00:08:44,440 They're continental, special design. 119 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:51,080 Look, you see the way she's leaning over it to turn the taps off? 120 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,680 So you can't scratch yourself on them, you see. 121 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,860 Because they're all curved over with no rough edges. 122 00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,520 A lovely shape, aren't they? 123 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,140 Oh, he's got a lovely loofer there. 124 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,580 those on me green stamp. 125 00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:18,900 Oh, darling. 126 00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:24,860 Just what I need is that bit on me back I never can reach. 127 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,780 Oh, look, she's having the same trouble. 128 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,880 Oh, he's giving her a hand now. 129 00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:35,960 Well, now what's he doing? 130 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,740 I think they're trying to save water. 131 00:09:42,090 --> 00:09:46,110 You'd think he'd let her get out of the bath first before he got in, wouldn't 132 00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:47,110 you? 133 00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:49,950 What does sin mean? 134 00:09:50,630 --> 00:09:51,890 Ah, it's the end. 135 00:09:52,410 --> 00:09:54,190 We must miss the best part. 136 00:09:58,110 --> 00:10:00,070 Look at life number 94. 137 00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:01,350 Do it yourself. 138 00:10:01,830 --> 00:10:04,250 Ah, this'll be more interesting for you, Jack. 139 00:10:11,239 --> 00:10:13,880 Ladies and gentlemen, our guest for this evening, Finn John. 140 00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,670 Have a light, please. 141 00:14:46,130 --> 00:14:47,850 Come back to your place. 142 00:14:51,170 --> 00:14:54,410 I never said that. Go to bed with you. 143 00:14:54,630 --> 00:14:57,090 How dare you? I never said that. 144 00:14:58,290 --> 00:15:00,830 I never said that. 145 00:15:01,810 --> 00:15:04,330 I never said that. 146 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,020 Sorry about that unexpected outburst, but I'm reading psychology at university 147 00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:17,340 and I'm carrying out a survey on various forms of embarrassment. 148 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:18,960 Oh, I see. 149 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,360 Hope you'll forgive me. 150 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,080 £15 for the night? 151 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,300 Well, you've done it again, Owen. 152 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:52,640 Retired. 153 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:53,800 That's twice now. 154 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:58,220 First you were a doctor, then you retired, then you went back, and now 155 00:15:58,220 --> 00:15:59,220 retired again. 156 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,140 And you're not enjoying your retirement any more this time than you did the 157 00:16:03,140 --> 00:16:04,140 last. 158 00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:06,980 Still, you can't keep chopping and changing, can you? 159 00:16:07,740 --> 00:16:10,780 I mean, eventually you'll be too old for it. Then what will you do? 160 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:12,520 Yes, look at that. 161 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,360 When you get too old to retire, you've had it. 162 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:20,490 All I do is miss going to the surgery and having that little thing hanging 163 00:16:20,490 --> 00:16:21,650 around my neck all the time. 164 00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:24,810 I wonder what happened to Nurse Jenkins. 165 00:16:30,950 --> 00:16:34,450 None of my qualifications sit in here feeding the birds. 166 00:16:35,790 --> 00:16:36,990 Seems wrong somehow. 167 00:16:37,210 --> 00:16:38,210 Petty thing to do. 168 00:16:39,470 --> 00:16:40,690 Should be something bigger. 169 00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:44,430 I could go to the zoo and feed the elephants as well. 170 00:16:46,990 --> 00:16:51,270 Stupid, that is. That's stupid, that is. O -N -M -D stands for mentally 171 00:16:51,270 --> 00:16:52,270 deficient. 172 00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:53,990 What's wrong with eating birds? 173 00:16:54,270 --> 00:16:55,630 I mean, they enjoy it, don't they? 174 00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:02,610 That's the bread with the arsenic on it for the rats. 175 00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:04,569 Oh, dear. 176 00:17:05,770 --> 00:17:07,490 I'm getting so absent -minded. 177 00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:10,470 Getting old, you see. 178 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:18,819 Doesn't seem five minutes ago since I was as young as them two. 179 00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:23,260 Oh, people get old so quick. 180 00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:29,040 As quick as that, though. 181 00:17:57,770 --> 00:17:59,350 Priority's all wrong these days. 182 00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:04,070 Don't forget about the drug traffic and do something about the Saturday traffic. 183 00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:06,230 Ridiculous. 184 00:18:06,910 --> 00:18:10,430 Five hours to get to America and 20 minutes across the road. 185 00:18:21,770 --> 00:18:22,870 How's that for cheap? 186 00:18:27,210 --> 00:18:28,910 They wouldn't stop like that for me. 187 00:18:31,650 --> 00:18:32,650 Well, he might. 188 00:18:50,210 --> 00:18:54,390 Oi, Grandad. If you're going to kill yourself, I'll buy you a pension book 189 00:18:54,390 --> 00:18:55,570 you, stupid old twig. 190 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,600 I'm trained to stay alive, thank you. 191 00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,080 Well, if that's the way you go about it, you ought to see a doctor. 192 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,440 I am a doctor. 193 00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:03,180 Are you? 194 00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:05,180 Dr. Rowan? 195 00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:06,300 Yes. 196 00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:08,220 How did you know? 197 00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:10,700 I've been looking for you. 198 00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:16,280 So she says Dr. 199 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,480 Rowan's your man, she says. 200 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:23,320 He'll give you a helping hand, she says. He's given me one many a time. 201 00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:24,800 Has he, I said? 202 00:19:25,450 --> 00:19:28,730 So that's why I'm here in your house, drinking your tea, telling you my sad 203 00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:29,730 story. I see. 204 00:19:29,950 --> 00:19:33,310 No one to love you and nowhere to go, is it? Well, now I've rested, you see, 205 00:19:33,370 --> 00:19:34,810 because I come from a broken home. 206 00:19:35,030 --> 00:19:36,310 Oh, dear, what caused that? 207 00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:37,950 Well, me mum was very clumsy. 208 00:19:42,190 --> 00:19:44,870 in China all over the place. You couldn't sit down. You know what I mean? 209 00:19:45,070 --> 00:19:47,350 Not sitting down, I couldn't settle. You know what I mean? 210 00:19:47,570 --> 00:19:50,670 Yeah, well, how can I help you then? Well, I thought I might settle here for 211 00:19:50,670 --> 00:19:54,230 day or two. I mean, you must have a room upstairs you're not using. Oh, no, I 212 00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:56,350 haven't. Well, you live in your own, don't you? Yes. 213 00:19:56,590 --> 00:19:59,070 Well, why haven't you got a spare room upstairs then? Because this is a 214 00:19:59,070 --> 00:20:00,070 bungalow, that's why. 215 00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:05,650 Anyway, I just rented this place to get away from people I want to be on my own. 216 00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:07,310 Well, we will be on our own. 217 00:20:07,670 --> 00:20:09,750 Oh, well, there's a spare room that's over there. 218 00:20:09,950 --> 00:20:13,400 All right. But it would only be for a couple of days now, eh? Of course, of 219 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:17,120 course. Of course I'll pay you and all that. What with? Well, watches, 220 00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,680 whatever you're short of, you know what I mean? 221 00:20:19,140 --> 00:20:20,140 How about money? 222 00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:23,100 Ah, that's a little bit more tricky, you understand? Yes, unfortunately, money 223 00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:26,440 talks. I know, well, I can never keep it long enough to hear what it says, you 224 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:27,259 see. 225 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,860 Easy come, easy go, mate, that's me. 226 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:33,420 You've never heard of thrift, I suppose, have you? Ah, wonderful virtue and an 227 00:20:33,420 --> 00:20:36,880 ancestor, but unfortunately none of mine left me as much as the smell of an oily 228 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:37,880 rag, you know what I mean? 229 00:20:41,870 --> 00:20:42,789 What do you do that for? 230 00:20:42,790 --> 00:20:45,770 Well, I always react like that to noises, you know what I mean? It's a 231 00:20:45,770 --> 00:20:46,769 from the war. 232 00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:49,590 The war? You must have been very tiny during the war. 233 00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:52,350 Yes, I was. My big brother stole all my rations. 234 00:20:52,850 --> 00:20:55,490 I'm going to find out who that is at the door. Yes, I'm going. 235 00:20:55,790 --> 00:20:58,910 I'll just get my gear in the spare room and you come and tell me who it is 236 00:20:58,910 --> 00:20:59,910 straight away, all right? 237 00:21:05,210 --> 00:21:06,550 Yes? Dr. Owen? 238 00:21:06,770 --> 00:21:10,070 Yes? I wonder if I could see you. A friend sent me. 239 00:21:10,330 --> 00:21:11,530 Oh, you'd better come in then. 240 00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:16,410 I'm afraid I've got someone with me at the moment. If you wouldn't mind waiting 241 00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:17,289 in here, please. 242 00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:18,290 Thank you. Thank you. 243 00:21:26,810 --> 00:21:32,930 Good God, are you all right? 244 00:21:33,190 --> 00:21:39,490 I know it's all right. I always hang my clothes up on the floor, never mind. 245 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,300 Yeah, not a bad little pad you've got in there. That'll do me fine, you know, 246 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,320 till I get fixed up. 247 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,000 Wonderful. Listen, who was it at the door then? Oh, some girl who said her 248 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,540 friend had sent her. I don't know. They treat me like an information bureau. 249 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,540 Well, you see, you've got a kindly face, haven't you, eh? 250 00:21:56,340 --> 00:21:59,980 Listen, Doc, you'll never know how grateful I am to you for you taking me 251 00:21:59,980 --> 00:22:00,980 like this. Oh, really? 252 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,560 No, cos I shan't tell you, that's why. 253 00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:05,660 Give us me bag over, there's a good lad, eh? 254 00:22:06,010 --> 00:22:09,130 No, I don't believe in thanking things of people for things. You know, not 255 00:22:09,130 --> 00:22:11,430 things for people. I don't believe in thanking people for things either. 256 00:22:13,510 --> 00:22:14,510 Ta. 257 00:22:14,930 --> 00:22:15,930 Why don't you? 258 00:22:16,130 --> 00:22:19,990 Well, they start expecting favors in return, women and all that. 259 00:22:20,230 --> 00:22:23,750 I see. You're not a marrying kind then, is it? Wedding bells never. Now, look, 260 00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:26,730 the only difference between a wedding and a funeral, mate, is that you can 261 00:22:26,730 --> 00:22:27,730 your own flowers. 262 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,500 Most men fall in love with a pair of legs and make the mistake of marrying 263 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:37,500 whole girl. 264 00:22:38,420 --> 00:22:40,380 Bit of a philosopher on the quiet, aren't you? 265 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,320 Well, I know women and all that. Yes, well, I don't know that one in there. 266 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,380 better go and see what she's doing. 267 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,280 Charm me a minute. 268 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,560 Madam, I don't know who you are, but would you mind getting up off the 269 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,180 table and putting your underwear back on? 270 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,020 I'm not a doctor anymore now. I've retired, see? 271 00:23:01,610 --> 00:23:04,950 Mind you, I will say that's a beautiful job someone did on your appendix. 272 00:23:09,510 --> 00:23:10,830 Nearly ten o 'clock. 273 00:23:12,130 --> 00:23:13,130 Time he was up. 274 00:23:14,430 --> 00:23:15,850 I'll take him a cup of tea. 275 00:23:17,790 --> 00:23:19,610 I didn't hear him come in last night. 276 00:23:19,890 --> 00:23:21,290 I wonder what time it was. 277 00:23:23,710 --> 00:23:27,230 Oh, why am I acting like a ruddy nursemaid? What am I doing? 278 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,620 I need to look after people, that's my trouble. 279 00:23:32,780 --> 00:23:34,760 I should never have given up medicine. 280 00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:37,560 I should have kept on practising. 281 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,860 I might have got good at it. 282 00:23:46,940 --> 00:23:49,000 Good gracious, what's going on here? 283 00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:50,560 Good morning, Granddad. 284 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,460 Yeah, what is all this? Who's that? 285 00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:55,020 That's me cousin, Bobby. 286 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:56,680 Bobby? What's he doing here? 287 00:23:59,340 --> 00:24:01,240 It's a good job you retired, mate. It's a bird. 288 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,640 Oh, is it? Well, I can just flutter off. 289 00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:07,500 Listen, you come in here taking your clothes off early in the morning without 290 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:08,439 being invited? 291 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,260 Are you retired to get away from all that? 292 00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:15,060 Oh, she doesn't say much, does she? Eh? Your cousin doesn't say much? What is 293 00:24:15,060 --> 00:24:16,060 she, deaf and dumb or something? 294 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:18,560 Well, not exactly, but she has difficulty in speaking. 295 00:24:18,780 --> 00:24:19,539 Oh, why's that? 296 00:24:19,540 --> 00:24:22,800 Every time she tries to talk, I hit her in the mouth, that's what. Oh, that's... 297 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:27,160 Very charming domestic scene. What do you mean by coming here and turning this 298 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:28,760 place into a Soho strip club? 299 00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:30,130 Have you no conscience? 300 00:24:30,250 --> 00:24:31,910 Yeah, I don't believe in conscience, mate. 301 00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:35,550 Conscience never stop you doing anything wrong. Just stop you enjoying yourself, 302 00:24:35,590 --> 00:24:36,149 that's all. 303 00:24:36,150 --> 00:24:39,770 Anyway, she don't come from so... She comes from Coventry, don't you, darling? 304 00:24:40,110 --> 00:24:42,730 Oh, does she? Well, she can just go back there straight away. 305 00:24:42,970 --> 00:24:45,630 Otherwise, I'll have no compunction but to take her outside and kick her 306 00:24:45,630 --> 00:24:46,630 straight up the M1. 307 00:24:49,130 --> 00:24:52,890 choice there is. And you too. And you. You can be out. Both of you. Out of this 308 00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:56,370 house. So much for hospitality. Never mind hospitality. I'm just going on 309 00:24:56,370 --> 00:24:59,410 sense. That's all. What's horses got to do with it? Horses just happen to be 310 00:24:59,410 --> 00:25:02,330 more intelligent than we are. That's all. You don't get horses betting on 311 00:25:02,330 --> 00:25:03,430 people, do you? No. 312 00:25:03,650 --> 00:25:07,070 And it's about time I stopped doing it too. Out. Both of you. Out. All right, 313 00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:10,590 Grandad. All right. Don't start shouting. I can stand on my own two 314 00:25:10,590 --> 00:25:13,090 know. I'm a self -made man. Self -made? 315 00:25:13,310 --> 00:25:14,890 What did you do? Run out of materials? 316 00:25:20,010 --> 00:25:21,410 What are you looking at, Twiggy? 317 00:25:22,510 --> 00:25:23,510 Self -made. 318 00:25:24,550 --> 00:25:26,970 What a horrible example of unskilled labour. 319 00:25:28,930 --> 00:25:30,310 Well, I've learned my lesson. 320 00:25:30,970 --> 00:25:32,830 No more social problems. 321 00:25:33,310 --> 00:25:34,670 Back to medicine for me. 322 00:25:35,170 --> 00:25:38,270 At least if it doesn't work out right then, you can blame it on the national 323 00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:39,270 health. 324 00:25:49,070 --> 00:25:49,989 I'll come back. 325 00:25:49,990 --> 00:25:51,650 I'm going to carry on. 326 00:25:52,110 --> 00:25:54,370 I somehow knew you would. 327 00:26:13,190 --> 00:26:14,910 Everything's just as you left it. 328 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:45,800 Charles, darling, I'd like you to meet Horace Macy. 329 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,240 Have a cosy little chat. 330 00:26:47,820 --> 00:26:49,440 Hello. Yes, I am. 331 00:26:50,420 --> 00:26:52,260 I say, you're that mind reader chappy. 332 00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:53,980 I'm very well, thank you. 333 00:26:54,980 --> 00:26:55,980 How are you? 334 00:26:56,780 --> 00:26:57,880 All about 20 years now. 335 00:26:58,100 --> 00:26:59,340 How long have you been reading minds? 336 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:01,400 Yes, that's right. 337 00:27:01,820 --> 00:27:02,920 Do you find it very difficult? 338 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,820 Well, I suppose some people could, but I think it's a gift. 339 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,280 Can anybody read minds? Well, she's never complained. 340 00:27:09,780 --> 00:27:11,240 Must be awfully difficult for the wife. 341 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:13,080 I've got two, Jean and June. 342 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:14,760 Any children? 343 00:27:15,620 --> 00:27:19,120 Yes. Australia, America, New Zealand and parts of Warrington. 344 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,040 You must have travelled to some very interesting places. 345 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:23,960 Yes, in a minute, dear. 346 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:25,660 Would it be much longer? 347 00:27:26,300 --> 00:27:27,300 That or that's the wife. 348 00:27:27,580 --> 00:27:28,580 Who was that lady? 349 00:27:28,620 --> 00:27:29,620 A lot of chaps say the same. 350 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:32,400 Yes, attractive. 351 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:33,760 As a matter of fact, she can. 352 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,900 Can she read minds as well? 353 00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:38,800 How dare you! 354 00:27:40,970 --> 00:27:42,670 I think you'd better. I'm going home. 355 00:27:52,590 --> 00:27:57,590 Good evening. I thought tonight that we... By the way, do I look all right 356 00:27:57,590 --> 00:28:01,990 tonight? Because I'm asking you that because they've got this new make -up 357 00:28:02,050 --> 00:28:05,390 you know, here, and I'm not sure whether she's caught the Ronnie Corbett look, 358 00:28:05,510 --> 00:28:06,510 you know. 359 00:28:08,410 --> 00:28:11,790 Now, you must realize that I don't look anything like this in real life. 360 00:28:13,770 --> 00:28:15,110 Good heavens, would you? 361 00:28:16,630 --> 00:28:20,550 No, this is my television image. You know, a lot of us look totally different 362 00:28:20,550 --> 00:28:21,770 outside the studio, honestly. 363 00:28:21,970 --> 00:28:25,530 I mean, lots of you must have thought you've seen a familiar figure going into 364 00:28:25,530 --> 00:28:29,610 Harrods, not knowing that that wasn't the Queen Mother, that that was Roger 365 00:28:29,610 --> 00:28:30,610 Moore. 366 00:28:32,959 --> 00:28:38,060 Would it surprise you to know that in real life? I am the spitting image of 367 00:28:38,060 --> 00:28:44,480 Hudson The resemblance is uncanny now listen to this Listen yesterday. 368 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:48,460 I met my mother he's rather silly way of putting it because that wasn't the 369 00:28:48,460 --> 00:28:53,480 first time I've met her Good heavens. I've known her for years Anyway, I met 370 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:56,820 mother on the street. You know she didn't recognize me. I said hello mother 371 00:28:56,820 --> 00:29:00,480 said and then she said oh, it's Ronnie. She said I thought it was Rock Hudson 372 00:29:02,570 --> 00:29:06,230 Now, she was so surprised, she nearly dropped her tray of matches. 373 00:29:09,190 --> 00:29:13,390 Now, I suppose you're thinking, I suppose you're thinking, why is his 374 00:29:13,390 --> 00:29:14,610 selling matches in the street? 375 00:29:15,230 --> 00:29:18,050 Well, it's hardly worth opening a shop for half a dozen boxes of matches. 376 00:29:19,250 --> 00:29:23,530 Anyway, she wasn't actually selling matches, you know. She was closed for 377 00:29:23,530 --> 00:29:24,530 -taking. 378 00:29:25,450 --> 00:29:29,790 Getting ready for the Christmas rush, I expect. Of course, my dad helps out a 379 00:29:29,790 --> 00:29:32,630 bit as well. I mean, you know, I know it doesn't sound much. 380 00:29:32,950 --> 00:29:35,070 Fire prevention officer for a tray of matches. 381 00:29:36,770 --> 00:29:37,770 That's what he does. 382 00:29:38,510 --> 00:29:42,730 No, he stands over in the doorway of C andA's with a cup of water, a starting 383 00:29:42,730 --> 00:29:43,730 blocks and a fire bell. 384 00:29:44,810 --> 00:29:48,770 Now, he used to stand there with a cup of sand until somebody took it away from 385 00:29:48,770 --> 00:29:50,650 him and gave it to an old gentleman who had fainted. 386 00:29:53,100 --> 00:29:57,380 And to be absolutely honest, if you're not feeling too well, the last thing you 387 00:29:57,380 --> 00:29:58,500 need is a mouthful of sand. 388 00:29:59,700 --> 00:30:03,560 And the owners of the shop, where the deceased had just bought himself a 389 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,640 bridesmaid's dress with yellow ribbon and kinky boots, you know, they were 390 00:30:06,700 --> 00:30:07,700 very upset. 391 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:15,100 And a reputable people, a reputable firm, or reputable people, like C andAs, 392 00:30:15,100 --> 00:30:16,100 be a bit difficult. 393 00:30:16,500 --> 00:30:17,840 C was all right. 394 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:21,260 No, he was, C was lovely. 395 00:30:21,610 --> 00:30:24,250 Good as gold, he was. He said it was an accident. 396 00:30:24,450 --> 00:30:27,130 But A, well, you know A. You know what A can be like. 397 00:30:28,030 --> 00:30:30,030 I knew about him when I was at school. 398 00:30:30,690 --> 00:30:34,110 He was always in the bathroom with B emptying the bath faster than C. 399 00:30:36,750 --> 00:30:39,410 At least that's what we were led to believe at the time. 400 00:30:41,090 --> 00:30:42,570 Yes, now, anyway. 401 00:30:44,450 --> 00:30:45,870 Not that, no, not that. 402 00:30:46,230 --> 00:30:49,270 Anyway, now he stands there ready for action with a cup of water. 403 00:30:49,710 --> 00:30:53,170 which is just as good, except for last winter when it froze during a false 404 00:30:53,170 --> 00:30:54,670 and loosened two of her teeth. 405 00:30:56,270 --> 00:31:00,650 Though I must say my father has tried to be a success in life, you know. He lost 406 00:31:00,650 --> 00:31:04,650 a lot of his money in his only, London's only driving do -it -yourself sheep 407 00:31:04,650 --> 00:31:09,430 dip. Before I go any further, 408 00:31:09,650 --> 00:31:16,610 and there can't be much further to go, I must correct any wrong 409 00:31:16,610 --> 00:31:19,850 impression. My parents don't need to carry on like this. Not at all. 410 00:31:20,070 --> 00:31:22,030 I personally allow them 20 quid a week. 411 00:31:22,450 --> 00:31:26,510 I don't allow them, I pay them. You know, 20 pounds a week. Have done for 412 00:31:26,730 --> 00:31:30,010 It all dates back to when I was a little baby and they sold me my first pram. 413 00:31:34,350 --> 00:31:38,230 Of course, I had no money at the time. And when you're one year old, you'll 414 00:31:38,230 --> 00:31:39,230 anything. 415 00:31:44,780 --> 00:31:48,560 mine so much, but it wasn't even a pram. It was a basket, you know, stolen out 416 00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:49,560 of a supermarket. 417 00:31:50,180 --> 00:31:54,020 A quick respray and a change of wheels, and there I am at the age of one, riding 418 00:31:54,020 --> 00:31:55,300 about town in a hot basket. 419 00:31:57,460 --> 00:32:02,000 Anyway, we're going along one day, and Dad is pushing, you see, and I'm riding. 420 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:05,660 And he looked down at me, he said, Ron, he said, have you heard the one about 421 00:32:05,660 --> 00:32:06,660 the chap in the cinema? 422 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,880 That's a sneaky way into the story, isn't it? Have you heard the one 423 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,280 And I remember this quite distinctly, because it was my birthday. 424 00:32:12,620 --> 00:32:14,240 And they'd give me a very nice present. 425 00:32:14,730 --> 00:32:15,730 An old bra. 426 00:32:17,210 --> 00:32:19,470 And they told me it was a double -barreled catapult. 427 00:32:23,390 --> 00:32:24,890 And you get back to the story. 428 00:32:26,150 --> 00:32:28,090 He said, there is this chap in the cinema. 429 00:32:28,970 --> 00:32:32,010 There is this chap in the cinema. He had a quaint delivery like that. He said, 430 00:32:32,030 --> 00:32:35,430 there is this chap in the cinema, and he's laying across three or four seats 431 00:32:35,430 --> 00:32:36,430 like this, you see. 432 00:32:36,990 --> 00:32:37,990 In the cinema, you see. 433 00:32:38,870 --> 00:32:40,390 Oh, that took a lot out of me. 434 00:32:41,430 --> 00:32:42,630 And the manager... 435 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:45,640 Comes along and he says, now, sir, sit up nicely and watch the picture like the 436 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:46,640 others, or you have to leave. 437 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:48,540 And the chap just stares at him like that. 438 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,680 And makes these silly noises, you see. 439 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,280 And the other patrons are going, shh, shh, shh, and chuck him out. 440 00:32:56,640 --> 00:33:01,560 And the manager said to him, look, my good man, you're obviously not in any 441 00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:04,480 condition to enjoy the films, so I think we'll give you your money back and put 442 00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:05,660 you in a taxi and send you home. 443 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:07,140 He said, now, where are you from? 444 00:33:07,460 --> 00:33:09,260 And the chap said, the gallery. 445 00:33:24,590 --> 00:33:28,730 Our guests for tonight, with a medley from their latest album, Jehoshaphat and 446 00:33:28,730 --> 00:33:29,730 Jones. 447 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,500 That's what neighbors are. John and Joe are neighbors. 448 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:58,360 They live side by side. 449 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:00,240 Joe, he was a bachelor. 450 00:34:00,500 --> 00:34:01,740 John, he had a bride. 451 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:05,480 They borrowed from each other just like neighbors do. 452 00:34:05,740 --> 00:34:09,120 Said Joe, I'll keep two lawnmowers when only one will do. 453 00:34:09,540 --> 00:34:12,860 Eat up the coffee, serve up the stew. 454 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:16,460 Put on the chair, good neighbors, me and you. 455 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:20,219 You take the golf club, I'll take the car. 456 00:34:20,679 --> 00:34:22,460 What's yours is mine, bud. 457 00:34:40,770 --> 00:34:44,449 We'll be right back. 458 00:34:53,770 --> 00:34:58,490 I wish we had a baby, said John to his wife one day, because neighbor Joe's got 459 00:34:58,490 --> 00:35:00,350 a baby carriage he wants to give away. 460 00:35:00,710 --> 00:35:04,970 So they both looked under the gooseberry bush and telephoned the stork, but it 461 00:35:04,970 --> 00:35:08,130 never came and it seemed a shame to take an empty pram for a walk. 462 00:35:08,430 --> 00:35:11,710 John went away on a business trip while he spent a year at sea. 463 00:35:11,930 --> 00:35:15,450 When he came back, he found his wife with a baby on her knee. 464 00:35:15,690 --> 00:35:18,950 She said Joe brought it over one night as I lay asleep. 465 00:35:19,550 --> 00:35:22,790 The store left twins at Joe's house, so he gave me one to give. 466 00:35:23,150 --> 00:35:29,910 We love to come, please serve us a stew. Pull up a chair, we'll meet her near 467 00:35:29,910 --> 00:35:34,150 you. You take the popcorns, I'll take the pie. 468 00:35:34,530 --> 00:35:38,990 What's yours is mine, because that's what neighbors want. 469 00:35:43,930 --> 00:35:49,600 Oh, hello, Lou. I'm calling you. Up on the tail of... phone to say thanks for 470 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:52,580 coming to the dance with me and letting me take you home. 471 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:58,460 I'm sorry I seem so nervous and started to stammer and sweat, but it started as 472 00:35:58,460 --> 00:36:01,460 soon as I saw you and I ain't got over it yet. 473 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:08,880 I stared at your great big beautiful blue green eyes. I wondered if you 474 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,480 flirted with all the guys. 475 00:36:11,780 --> 00:36:15,720 When you smiled, I nearly shut right out the door. 476 00:36:16,190 --> 00:36:19,410 Because I've never seen such a pretty little turtle, turtle, turtle. 477 00:36:20,230 --> 00:36:24,490 My turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle, all against all the time. 478 00:36:24,770 --> 00:36:28,890 When I burp, burp, burp, I feel it close as I did last night. 479 00:36:29,190 --> 00:36:32,970 I'll get a funny feeling in my burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp brain. 480 00:36:33,330 --> 00:36:37,250 And I can't work in a burp, burp, burp, burp. I just got to sing again. 481 00:36:40,710 --> 00:36:45,090 Jack O 'Neill, the canopy queen, that's pretty. 482 00:36:47,540 --> 00:36:51,880 But she was so dumb that no matter how she tried, 483 00:36:51,900 --> 00:36:57,900 when she opened her mouth, she put her foot right inside. 484 00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:01,760 We knew what you meant. We knew what you meant. 485 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:05,540 We heard what you said, but we knew what you meant. 486 00:37:08,060 --> 00:37:13,560 One day she went into a department store and she said to the guy, 487 00:37:16,110 --> 00:37:19,770 I need some material to make a new belt. 488 00:37:22,110 --> 00:37:29,030 Perhaps you can tell me where I can get felt. We knew on today. We knew on 489 00:37:29,030 --> 00:37:33,130 today. We heard what she said, but we knew on today. 490 00:37:36,630 --> 00:37:39,610 Lady girls and neon lights. 491 00:37:40,030 --> 00:37:43,450 Lord, you made the darkness bright. 492 00:37:43,910 --> 00:37:45,030 The whole day. 493 00:38:01,710 --> 00:38:05,650 People stop and people stare. 494 00:38:05,990 --> 00:38:12,590 They don't know that I'm not there. Some folks say that stinking 495 00:38:12,590 --> 00:38:14,150 makes you blind. 496 00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:39,940 Thank you. 497 00:38:43,180 --> 00:38:45,200 Thank you. 498 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,800 Thank you. 499 00:39:01,060 --> 00:39:06,320 Make Mary Ellen buy the old barn door. I know just what she's waiting for. Up in 500 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:07,820 the loft where the oil lamp figures. 501 00:39:08,100 --> 00:39:10,400 I lost my heart and she loved the parasol. 502 00:39:48,020 --> 00:39:50,820 Thank you. 503 00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:13,760 that's all for this week and next week we'll be talking to a man who's such a 504 00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:19,140 Puritan he won't sleep with his wife because she's a married woman and we'll 505 00:40:19,140 --> 00:40:24,300 we'll have a demonstration of 16 ways of cooking cenopods by the galloping 506 00:40:24,300 --> 00:40:31,260 gourmet but now now some late news from 507 00:40:31,260 --> 00:40:34,940 the court in the central criminal court today a man was acquitted of a charge of 508 00:40:34,940 --> 00:40:38,380 gross indecency as he'd only been indecent 143 times 509 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:53,300 Two Irishmen were apprehended today when they broke into a London bookmaker's 510 00:40:53,300 --> 00:40:54,440 and lost £800. 511 00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:03,960 The two men charged were Terence Finnegan, who gave his address as no 512 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:08,940 abode, and Paddy Muldoon, who went after his address, said, I live in the flat 513 00:41:08,940 --> 00:41:09,940 above him. 514 00:41:14,860 --> 00:41:19,040 Later... Later, Mr George Thomas was granted a divorce on the grounds of his 515 00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:20,040 wife's adultery. 516 00:41:20,180 --> 00:41:24,580 After the hearing, he stated, she led me a dog's life. I was fed on scraps, made 517 00:41:24,580 --> 00:41:27,480 to fetch her slippers, and forced to beg for my favourite biscuit. 518 00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:30,920 So when I found her in bed with the postman, I did what anyone else in my 519 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:32,780 position would have done. I bit him in the leg. 520 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:46,140 We've just heard that a soldier at Purbright was awarded the VC today for 521 00:41:46,140 --> 00:41:48,840 a whole battalion of men. He shot the cook. 522 00:41:51,460 --> 00:41:56,160 The Family Planning Association announced today that in Britain, 90 % of 523 00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:58,180 parents are or have been on the pill. 524 00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,200 And 85 % of them are women. 525 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:06,500 Of this 85%, 40 % are at present on it, 20 % are off it. 526 00:42:06,899 --> 00:42:10,460 11 % are on it, on and off, and 12 % are off it, off and on. 527 00:42:11,580 --> 00:42:16,080 9 % are off and on it, 8 % are off and off it, 7 % are off it and wish they 528 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:20,020 on it, and 3 % are on it and off it so seldom it doesn't matter. 529 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:32,320 Of the rest, 5 % are don't knows, 4 % are don't cares, 2 % are no don'ts, and 530 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,460 Mrs. Ivy Whizzer was disqualified for ruining her entrance form. 531 00:42:43,180 --> 00:42:45,700 It's good night from me. And it's good night from him. Good night.